KNOW YOUR ROLE!

http://bit.ly/MeQpkL

Recently VIBE MAGAZINE ran this cover. Now Im going to assume that this was done with a smidgen of sarcasm. Help me out here, but other than Kandi, which of these young women is actually “known” for something … I’ll wait. Oh yea Tamar and her SANGING.COM … I dont believe that you need talent or fame to be a role model but u do need to have a blueprint that can be followed as a path to life. Nobody’s Perfect but geez this is like saying follow anybody!

Lets see what the dictionary defines a role model: a person whose behavior, example, or success is or can be emulated by others, especially by younger people.

I will certainly agree that some of these women know how to make the most of an opportunity. Evelyn and her t-shirts, book, and what I personally view as a ill concieved opportunistic cleaving to Chad Ochocinco but a Role Model? I think thats a far stretch.. Especially based on the snippets of how we see her behaving on TV now. She started off one way, Mother & loyal friend and then went another but again we only see what producers want us to see, The Drama!

While I understand the strength in each of these women is a good thing. It is demonstrated at times in ways that arent good for young people to follow blindly. I can relate to every emotion shown in the reality shows but some of the women seem to only have emotion over one thing. The way Chrissy and Evelyn are often portrayed distraught or angry with other women because of things said about their significant other shows a weakness that many women use anger to cover up. Its a gray area in a pot of loyalty and jealousy thats easily stirred. Tamar is often shown as nothing more than a selfish adolescent girl who wants what Tamar wants no matter who else needs to get it done.

Kandi seems to be the only one close to “Role Model” persona as a professional, mother, and good daughter. Although her fetish for all things sex seems to be insatiable, she even turned that into money. She gets into drama as well but rarely seems to pick on others or start fights.

Simply using the term “role model” makes me think that you would put young girls in front of these four woman and be comfortable telling them that this is how they should behave, look, act, speak, carry themselves, interact with others, etc. And thats not something that I would say about all four of these women. They may not be horrible people, but I cant agree with the cover. I do however agree with the sarcasm in it all.

It seems that the reality stars of today have become Role Models to grown women who are insecure within themselves. They want to be these women and live these flashy “UN-Real Housewife Lives”. And for what? Because these women appear to live without worry. They care more about how they look than how they look. If you get my drift.

Appearance is more important than behavior and thats a terrible standard to set. I dont believe in being fake but I do believe in when you know better do better. We dont get to see how these women live everyday we mostly get a bird’s eye view into the drama and based on that I would say calling them “Role Models” is a bit much.

It really makes me wonder why this is becoming the predominant theme in television. Women fighting, arguing, and belittling each other. Is this really what the majority of people want to watch or is that what television executives want to show? Its not art imitating reality if Its supposed to be reality tv now is it?

I want my daughter to embrace herself not to chase what she sees on tv. But hey to each his own…
What do u think????

Everything Must Go

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So I’m sitting here watching “Everything Must Go” with Will Ferrell and it got me to thinking about the painful choices people make in life or so often don’t make. I started thinking of my own life and how much worse situations were when I placed my happiness on the decisions that other people made. Instead of relying on my own instincts and changing things for myself.

 How many times have we all done that? Put our hope in someone else and waited. Placed our bets against all odds when everything we know says that we will lose..And then we convince ourselves that its the right thing to do, thats it isn’t crazy when we know damn well it is. We call it faith when it isn’t. Would you make the same bet if it was money, probably not! Your answer would quickly be “Hell No” if someone asks you to bet your life earnings on a gamble that you know you couldn’t win.

So why is it that people, particularly women, are willing to bet their life on situations and circumstances that they “HOPE” will get better? All the while watching someone else live their life as you wait to enjoy yours. I understand compromising, but giving your control to another person and letting them squander your happiness is a wasteful shame. What does hope get you when the actions of the person you put in control are not in your best interest I’ll tell you NOTHING. Its like FOOL’S GOLD! Its of no benefit to you!!

But the Lesson you learn from it is….

Sometimes..you must let go to live your own life.. Sometimes you must have the FAITH to do what is best for yourself.. sometimes you have to bet on the person that matters the most…YOURSELF!  Sometimes it comes down to your happiness or theirs and you must decide to give yourself permission to enjoy your life.

Sometimes everything must go in order for you to discover everything you truly deserve..

#LiveLoveLaugh

To Write Right

I have so much to say right now but just can’t seem to write right now….. #I’llGetitout Image

TRUTH

There is nothing more important than knowing and understanding your own truth.. where you came from and who you are. What your choices in this life have brought to you and whether or not you have taken the fullest advantage of the human beings around you who are willing to show you support. Everyone can complain we have all been robbed, ignored, abused, discounted, discredited, overlooked, undervalued (you get the point). Life is not in the business of passing out equivalent experiences, so what it isn’t fair… But the Life you have been given is yours. You can cherish it and do what you can to add to its value or you can lament in all its sorrows only counting your misfortunes and like the sands of the hourglass watch it slip slowly away all the while blaming the universe for your loss….. The choice is yours…

At the Station

I found myself on those tracks somewhere between midnight and four am on Wednesday the 21 of march 2012 , I believe (the days started to blend together in that bed after maybe Monday or Tuesday with feet turning the corner, the hope of familiar faces and voices on the phone, and the clock spinning fast) but yeh I think it was Wednesday. I had done what I thought was pretty awesome walking around with Physical Therapy showing them my best “Sarah Palin Fancy Pageant Walking” and I was pretty proud, even went down and back up one flight of stairs all in the hopes of come on Doc let me go let me go. lol Well by the time I was done with all that all I could do was sit in the chair in my room. Im not real big on tv, especially alone, especially when I only have like 20 channels and , ESPECIALLY WHEN I HAVE TO HOLD MY HEAD BACK! lol so not much tv watching this week.

That night however in bed I drifted off to sleep early and something woke me back up which isn’t at all uncommon. So as usual I sat there trying to discern for myself just what I was feeling. Filtering through my self made list of medical causes for my insomnia.

Is it Fibro?

is it Pulmonary?

Is it joint pain?

is it indigestion?

I knew it was in my chest and so I sat there and it hit me….and hit me….and hit me…. and I sat up and I calmed myself and I listened to it for it…and I waited… because I knew it whatever it was would be back. And then I could feel the squeezing that I had only felt once before but having been a medic on a Cardiac Ward I knew my own heart rhythms were not right. Having seen the pulmonary specialist countless times I knew my breathing was getting shallow and so I panicked!

And then I realized where I was. On the middle of the tracks. In the middle of the night. At the station on my journey of life and I made my call and now I can look back at that first call and marvel at the confidence with which I made it and smile because there wasn’t an ounce of doubt in knowing that baby Jesus knew me by name and that I wasn’t alone.

Me: Hey, Jesus, you up? I mean you always up but I mean you know whats going on right now? I got a lil problem and I need to know if this is my time. I don’t think its my time but I don’t know.I have things to do that are unfinished. Purposes Im just starting to fulfill. it doesn’t feel like my time but Im just trying to be sure. 

Jesus: Hey Hey Yeah Im always up you know that and you right new I mean No its not your time. 

Me: Ok, Good looking we’ll get this thing handled. Talk to you later.

So I page my nurse to have her come in pretty sure that whatever “it” was was gone only to have it come back stronger and longer and harder. I writhed in pain, pain I had not seen since 08-09 I believe and when you hear people say to touch the hem of his garnet thats all I wanted to do and something said close your eyes and everything in me said the Hell You Preach! I will not close my eyes!! and my nurse took my bp and it had gone up 50 points higher than my norm in 2 hrs. So On the tracks we were. And I was on my mainline again…This time must faster much more frantic and much more like a party line..

Me: AYYEEE Jesus Jesus getup you said it wasn’t me

Jesus: Kimber Its not for you , I checked its not for you for real

Me: Well, whatever name they calling must sound like mine. Imma ask ya Daddy

Jesus: thats cool 

Me: Lord, I know I asked Jesus and he told me they aint calling my name that its not my time.

Lord: He was right That bell is not for you.

Me: well Lord it sure does feel like it can you get whoever calling the names to double check the book? 

 

And although it seemed like a long time it was merely minutes and I eventually called my own Mother and Father just so they would know exactly what was going on and usually my momma answers but this time my Dad did and I don’t know why it was so much harder to tell him that i was on the tracks, but it was. I tried to suck it up but barely could so I got it out gave him the facts that they were running tests and hooking my up and Id call right back. I told him I was in pain and they wanted me to take the morphine but I wasn’t about to go to sleep and he told me that i should rest and I knew he was right but I knew that he knew that I was NOT going to sleep. And so he waited by the phone until the tests were run and then I hoped he went to bed but I know he did not. I called Xavier too and told him and agin I didn’t want to scare him. I can’t explain it I just don’t want them to worry any more than they already do. There’s no way I could have called my Big Lil Bro and stayed calm I would wanted him to bust me out..BRUDDAH lmao

But it was just different that there were my boys in my corner at the station. Most of those old songs are always about a “praying grandmother” I know what I see in it all and Im hoping I get the point. Im just glad the good book was right, It wasn’t my time. And at a time when so many people are complaining about the collapse of the family Im proud to say its “OUR TIME”….

      Yep but reallllly glad they wasn’t calling my name and Peter or whoever at the gate need to head on over and get them bifocals looked at! lol Just to be on the safe side! 

 

As Real As It Gets

 

 

So shit just got REAL!! Im sitting in her staring at a BEDSIDE CHAMBER POT!

Yeah i said it and  realizing that hell no I aint taking it home at all! I don’t know all the sayings but I don’t shit where I lay my head! Aint starting it. Not happening. But I was a few footsteps away so its right here looking at me all big and white lol naw homie not this time. I had to let the Dr know, “right there Doc________ yep that my line in the sand, just in case you were wondering when u drove to far oops you passed it so < reverse  and STOP PLAYING ! Even though I know she wasn’t. Lupus oh lupus you are way outta your league. Xavier had to remind me that you are a part of a piece of me, but not who I am! And as Long as I can keep it CUTE I will and white chamber pot bedazzled or not aint cute !! lol

But its not just me or the Lupus we all have seen our white shit pots lmao these things in our life that we know we don’t want in them. The reality is that we draw that line we make room for that pot or we reject it. We make the decisions and say no not today I can make it on my own without it! I will not shit where I lay no matter how tired I get.. We can draw our own line and decide whether we are just on a break or on our bottom but we can’t be a victim. Its a given that we can’t control everything is this life, disease, people how these things treat us, how they may get to us mentally but we can be aware of that and do what we can to control how we treat ourselves!

Don’t Live your life like a bedside commode, Dont shit where you lay and let it sit or even worse carry it around with you like many of us do. We can be pleasant people carrying around crap! Erykah Badu sang “Bag Lady” but maybe if she said “Shit Lady dragging all that crap like that people would get it!” Stop Fronting, be real, Do the best you can at what you can let it go and keep it moving! We all have to face the tough times its reality but when shit gets real if you can handle it do it, don’t save it to be thrown out by somebody else later lmfao! Nobody wants to smell or  dump your SHIT POT!

I dont wanna go to bed.. #LupusWarriors

ImageI am sleepy as hell, but I don’t want to get back in bed. Its 4:48 am on a Sunday and I have been pacing and staring in the bathroom mirror for much longer than my strawberry bruised kissed ankles and feet should have been out of bed. But I don’t want to lie back down. I feel like a kid in one of those cold commercials. My throat hurts, my neck hurts, my knees ache, my feet are killing me and my hands are clenching against my will.

I DONT WANT TO GO BACK TO BED!! I WANT MY MOMMY!! REBECCAAAA!!!!

I know Im 32 years old ( yes of course I know I don’t look 32, don’t be ridiculous and of course there’s Indian Remy in my family but back to my post geez so easily distracted) Like I said yeah I’m 32 but clearly there are some principles in the Declaration of Independence that hold true no matter how old you get. Im sure “wanting your Momma” is in there somewhere get a magnifying glass and squint dammit. Now of course Rebecca can’t single handedly cure Lupus, but she sure does have this way of making me feel like she can guarantee that the Sweet Chariots will not swing low coming for to carry me home any time soon and that my friend is what you need in your life…I mean I know Bougie people pretend not to want a hookup but that “Jesus on the Mainline” extension is always an exception if transferrable lmao ok catch my drift…

But I won’t scare my parents by yelling into their answering machine, yes answering machine. I was kind enough to by them a phone like that so that when I REALLY NEED them I can just call repeatedly and say Mom, Dad Its me Pick up.( I know I know I thought it was thoughtful too lol ;-O )

So it seems know Im left with only one recourse for my insomnia, to wake up my bf and get him to listen to me pontificate til I fall asleep. He’ll wake up and tell me everything my mom would that its ok, tell me not to worry, offer to make me something to eat if I’m hungry and then he’ll swaddle me like they did the Baby Jesus (yeah I said swaddle pay attention and stop ruining the ending) Then he’ll swaddle me like they did Baby Jesus in the manger and I’ll drift off back to sleep before you can say ambesol. And Now my eyelids seem pretty heavy..*yawn**

I wanna go back to bed.

Lol Funny how that works. C’mon Lupus lets try to get some sleep……..

Losing IT..Literally

So apparently Im losing bits and portions of this thing that people so affectionately dub a mind. I fancied myself the owner of a rather beautiful one but lately its been flying pretty low through some rather dense fog accompanied by some dark clouds of cognitive dysfunction brought on by my bestie Lupus. Yes, she misses me so much that she has spent most of the past week laid up inside my head with mimosas on deck and with all that brain matter I need so desperately on vacation.

Cognitive Dysfunction: yeah whatever!!!! You know what cognitive dysfunction means to me? It means one lost iPhone and the run around trying to track it. (ok Kenny I know I was looking at a .45 but I got distracted) Lupus fog means a lost Bank card and a trip to the bank without it because I forgot I lost it. The fog means a transfer of funds to the same account because I forgot I didn’t have the card. It means another lost wallet drivers license, id cards, and my most coveted USAA card :-( .

Cog-ni-tive dys-function as my doctor so affectionally says it as if I should be ready to cuddle it close to my heart and wrap it in swaddling clothing. And maybe I should because It shows up at my doorstep out of the blue without warning and then stays as long as it wants. I don’t even know its here until surprise I don’t know the something isn’t here.

But why complain about a little fog when most days are bright and sunny!! ;-D  Im absolutely certain that I missed appointments, didn’t do things, and forgot to call people back this week but I can laugh about now and I’m sure it’ll happen agin soon, but i probably won’t remember! #gottaLoveIt #LupusWarrior

Por que el amor

Probably one of the saddest yet most occurrent events is the death of a soul lost.

Souls lost:

To love unfounded, to friendships with no reciprocity to labors of love that are just labors to people and things and inanimate objects that deserve little more than a nod in passing ppl lose themselves to these things that they try to force into the realm of everlasting, when they don’t belong.

Its almost like the words to your most unfavorite song that if heard enough times gets stuck in your head until even you can’t remember why you didn’t like it. But its your jam now and you already got up to dance so you just gonna go through with it!

Is it out of boredom or prodding or desperation on just the thought of screw it I’m gonna go for it.

Why do ppl chase things that they don’t need.

Now I understand like The Roots said ‘things fall apart and tend to shatter”

Some ppl get so involved in ensuring that their relationship is ok that they forget to ensure that they are ok. They forget who they were when they started and their identity becomes fused into a role they play and not the person that they are.

Sad because they sacrifice and give , give up and sacrifice, suffer and give up until they are like a ship lost at sea grasping at an ever eroding shore that they can’t see. A shore of ppl and places and situations that are nothing more than a distant memory because they gave all that up for what , This jack ass and his magic beanstalk? A fairy tale and once she reaches the end she’ll be reaching back for those same people.

Its sad that a woman will misplace her identity for THE BEST THING EVER that dissolved into that thing that never was intended to be more than a nod in passing.

Love yes, but always love yourself!

Do you have Friends? NO, I don’t mean Facebook…

Who remembers this song..Friends, how many of us have them? Friends, ones we can depend on?

Its not just a song. Seriously how many of us have friends that we can depend on?  Can we even answer the question without thinking really hard? Maybe we can name one person. But considering that most of our circle of “friends” has many people why is it that we only name one or two people.

This weekend at Voorhees College homecoming, myself and a few other Sorors participated in a tribute to Tonya Barnwell Thomas. She was a Soror yes, but the qualities that people adored about her were those that made her an invaluable friend.

Good friends are hard to find. Its really easy for people to consider each other as friends when everything is good. After arguments, disagreements, hurt feelings, breakups, rumors, etc. if you still realize that your love for that individual is greater than all the petty issues then do what you can to let those people know that you consider them good friends. Life is full of ups and downs and no person is perfect. We all need people in our lives that will stand by us and help us through our difficult times. When considering who is a friend also remember that all friends are not the same. Conversations will differ. While some friends will be willing to talk freely about personal issues others may be embarrassed to share. Some friends are outspoken and will defend you when you are right but the are usually the same ones to let you know when you are wrong.

But the most important part is to treat your friends as you want them to treat you. Be honest and trustworthy. You can’t expect to receive what aren’t willing to give. We all have those moments when we aren’t quite sure how to approach a conversation or situation, but if your friendship is becoming awkward then its better said than not. Nothing worse than feeling like someone is pretending with you I’m sure it ruins friendships faster than just arguing.

If you want good friends be a good friend!

#TeamTMBT

Are you his Case Worker? The New DSS!

This post was so common I had a hard time coming up with a topic..

Women are all up in arms about where all the good men are but they consistently keep spending their time with the ones that they know are bad!!

So here is my question..

DO YOU WORK FOR DSS?….TAKE YOUR TIME.

Are you a person that is obligated to give someone a standard of help despite not really having a reason? Isn’t that what social workers do? They check the paperwork for clients that need some sort of counseling, assistance, or service and they either offer it or coordinate with an agency that gets them the help needed. Keywords here -HELP NEEDED!!

Ask yourself this: Is “he could be the one” enough to roll out the red carpet?

I mean really at the moment when u meet a man either bcuz he approaches you or vice versa you know jack squat about each other. and you are supposed to change that. get to know each other. Now getting to know each other doesn’t mean drinking whatever he is buing at the bar until it closes and he asks you what else u getting into tonight. SCREEECHCHCHCH!!! so lets back it up..

When u met him even if you decided he was the best looking thing you have laid eyes on since a pair of jeans with the perfect wash, that had that great stretch, and came up high enough to cover your muffin top. (heifers don’t play like you don’t know what I mean! yah cute but y’all aint fooling me)
Well hot or not “STAY COOL”  don’t go all day care teacher passing out your cookies & napmat OK!!!
 
Talk to him (code:get all  in his business) If you think you are feeling him like that then Id be making small talk with my lips, reading body language with my eyes, and planning interview part one in my mind..Thats right straight CSI. lol I mean exchange info if you will but when the club closes go your separate way. Act like you seen a man before. He isn’t going anywhere and if he is then oh well!  Anything else opens the door to your own DSS office. 
 

Making your V-Jay the After-club hangout=Not cute honey.. Huge Demerits.. Trust me

What do I mean? Ok so u meet a guy and you hook up. So you gave him cookies and a nap mat for what? Nothing right?  It bet even he doesn’t know why you slept with him. Maybe you could hang a banner that saysI’m single but test driving because you could be my husband”. Ugh sounds crazy as hell right.. thats what I thought.

But if you decide you are going to start up the wifey machine from jump street, thats essentially welfare and  now you are his case worker. Let’s be clear: You are not his lady… NO NO NO NOT his lady. Hell, He may not even think that you are anymore but in exchange for being able to pick up his “panty subsidy” when necessary he will treat you decent so he does not cause any problems with the system. I.e. you busting your ass.

Now don’t get me wrong there is no problem with buying things for a man and vice versa when u are in a relationship/friendship that is MUTUAL. But when you are a “circumstantial case worker ” wishing and hoping wondering if he is feeling you , not sure what he does with his free time, never getting much from him other than free looks at his face then you may have a problem!!

Some go even farther than that. As the calendar days pass by the guy continues to do what he did at the bar SHOW UP and the women in return dish out freebies. The case gets more and more complicated and your client gets more and more assistance. Now your client gets cookies, a nap mat, dinner, gifts and probably gas money , and your car to drive too.

I am all for being a great HELPMATE: applies when you are in a mutual relationship.  

No one starts off in a relationship. It requires getting to know a person. Not perfection but a friendship. Meeting a man is merely a encounter. If you feel he deserves your attention cool GET TO KNOW HIM..

But remember… YOU CAN’T BE DISAPPOINTED IN SOMEONE WHO NEVER DEMONSTRATED THE ABILITY TO FULFILL YOUR EXPECTATIONS…  

He didn’t let you down , you laid down.. 

Any Excuse Will Do…

Why are so many fathers missing out on their kids lives and choosing instead to let money replace presence. In some cases choosing to do nothing at all. I have heard a million stories and a million and one excuses. The Best of the worst excuses came on Twitter this week from a guy who said it was because “White Supremacy caused Black women to hate Black men and that Black men didn’t want to “catch a case ” dealing with hateful black women.” Alrighty then could someone please administer him some (inserts very strong psychotropic drug of choice here) ASAP.. Whats that have to do with the price of tea in China?

As a divorced mother of two young children, I often ask myself “What could stand in the way of me supporting my kids in every way?” Of course my response is always emphatically nothing NOT A DAMN THING!!! I don’t understand it. My problems with another adult will not prevent me from being present for my kids. If I didn’t have custody I would be doing my part to show my kids that I am equally as supportive. Like the old people say at my Dad’s Baptist Church “As long as the Blood is still running warm in my veins” I will do my best to raise my children until they are grown and then I will continue to give my love and support.

I know many others parents who feel the same way women and men. So why is it that when there is disagreements in a relationship and the children remain with the mother are so many fathers willing to back away? Is it just easier to say that the mother is a headache? Well she probably is especially if you are not doing what you should for the children. The constant burden of insisting that a man be a productive part of their kids life is a battle that most parents have decided is a lost cause. Many more people are happy to parent alone without the stress and drama of being let down.

Here are a few of the most common of the different answers that I have heard, but you be the judge are they REASONS or lame EXCUSES?

1. Too much drama with kids Mom.

2. The kids don’t need anything.

3. I have to work.

4. I don’t have enough Money.

5. I don’t have time to come see the kids.

6. Busy with other kids/ family.

7. Don’t have transportation.

I’m sure you all can add to this list and then some. What do you think? Is there any reason good enough to explain why so many kids are being raised without their fathers when they know exactly who they are? Is baby mama drama cause to abandon your child?

Feel free to comment & Help me out here I know what I think but I want to know what you all think especially the guys..

 

Keepin it Real-Fake

Nowadays people rarely communicate directly with each other. Technology and social media has made physical interaction and conversations practically obsolete. With that shift has also come the propensity of people to use their imagination a bit much. Facebook, twitter, Myspace, and even dating sites have become gateways for some to create a new identity.

Its kinda like in college when you met new people and they tell you about their background and how fly they were back home, cool nickname included (Iceman, D-Money you get the pic) Only for another kid from that same town to come the next semester and say “Who him, he wasn’t ish at home and nobody even calls him that!!” I would think what ??? Why would they lie like that? Is it for popularity or just to feel important? While those occurrences were years ago it seems that many people simply just don’t like the life they have and so they choose to “invent” another one. Well people its time to grow up. Playtime is over stop fronting and pretending to be something that you aren’t.

It seems that “Keeping it real” has the same meaning as “Haters” lol none at all. People are always saying that everyone is hating well maybe if you stopped pretending to be a whole lot of stuff that you aren’t all those voraciously hating on you would leave you alone. On Facebook when people say they are gonna “keep it real” they seem to mean “real Fake”!!!!.

I’m sure I’m not the only one that is tired of seeing the constant violators. I wish there was a Facebook police or an app that busted ppl out for their bull… Here some of the stuff sure to get slapped with a fine….

When people post their balling ass pictures in the club holding up a bottle that isn’t even open and everybody looks sober. Why do you have 50 pics in an album and the bottle was never open, nobody is even buzzed but y’all all keep passing it around taking pics with it?

If you post a status talking about people hating on you and how well you are doing but your kids look like Angelina Jolie waiting to adopt them any second. I mean flies around them dingy and all!!!!Imma need you to really scale it back with the bull. At least try to make it believable…

Quit reposting pics you took years ago and letting ppl think its current !! You putting up pics from ’97 and when your friends comment and say you look good, you saying thank you until someone asks where you took the pic or when you changed your hair because they just saw you? lol Stop it!

Oh wait one of my favorites the full length posts about why women aren’t about nothing, when everybody on FB knows that you are in fact one of the most trifling hussies around!!!! LOL You must be mad because the young hookers are moving in on your territory.. Well don’t quit your day job! Or should I say get one…

I’m sure I could go on and on and on but it would take forever. What are some of your favorite Keepin it real- Fake FB moments???

The Worst Best Friends Ever

As I get older there are lots of things that I have come to know as “truths”. one of the most important is that nothing should get in the way of being who you are and enjoying your life. Nothing!!

Women sometimes  let the worst friends in the world annoy us into misery because we don’t want to tell them the truth. We somehow convince ourselves that it is more important to preserve their feelings than our sanity. And do they really care.. Probably not.

So here’s a list of the WORST best friends no woman wants to have …

1. The Susie- that girlfriend that you don’t really know how you got. You probably met her through a friend of a friend. She does lots of agreeing and nodding. Always smiling and putting in her input but she never seems to disagree. lol Kinda like the yes girl. Everybody knows she scary and when stuff jumps off her line is always “I don’t want any drama”. Translation please don’t hit me I promise I won’t try to defend myself. Lol Wait that is until everybody else in involved in the beef then she will openly dislike whoever you don’t like. Anything to stay on #TEAMBANDWAGON!!!

2. Fight Club- You can’t take this heifer anywhere without her going H.A.M!! Let her tell it somebody always trying her. Even at restaurants the waitress testing her. Chics in the club are always looking at her funny and no one else. It’s not because she spends the night pointing and laughing. The dudes are just “Hating” !!! You can guarantee that your night will be either filled with drama all night from the “who bumped me” to “why the bouncer patting me down all wrong”, or you’ll go home early just to cut short the bullshit. No matter where you take her she will find someone who is looking at her wrong and she is gonna curse them out.

3. The Debbie Downer- Now this chic will pretend to really want to go out! But you already know there is a better chance of you hitting the lottery without ever buying a ticket, than this chic actually having a good time. She is gonna get dressed and come out and COMPLAIN all night long.Get ready for a night full of- “I mean I put my good clothes on for this” “This place is whack, who wanted to come here” “The men in here all lame” “This food isn’t good” “This  drink doesn’t have enough alcohol” yada yada yada …. And please don’t let a guy approach you she will spray him with her “Air O Misery” and scare him the hell away!! Then she will let you know how “He wasn’t about shit” and she knew before he came over to you.. But at the end of the night when she wants breakfast she’ll be talking like she just can’t waiiittt to do it all again!! Huh What???

4. “Snooki”- Oh the joy.. Every time is the last time and she won’t get like that the next time. This chic starts out as “Ms. Thang” and ends up “Tired Ol Thang”!!  No matter what type of party it is if there are drinks this girl is gonna let the good times roll!! And maybe even herself. lol A little loosening up is ok for most people but she is gonna go all out. The party aint over until everybody has seen and heard her latest imitation of a girl from Jersey Shore! Hay Ho! We just having a good time right? Uh-No! You are just looking washed up!

5. Miss Independent- Remember I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T  do you know what that means? You know you do! lol  Well that song was her mantra, no matter where she was it was her JAM!!!!  You have to hear about how she has her own shit all the time. She has a degree, she has a job, she has a car, and she don’t need a mofo to take care of her. She can do bad all by herself and every other cliché Terry Perry play quote. But always going from one man to the next? And never has a problem letting you get the bill no matter where you go, because She’s good for it right? But do you ever get it back is the real question…Yeah if you are thinking about the money your girl owes you—You’ve been HAD! lol

6. “What Chilli Wants”- The Wannabe Virgin lol Now some of us may think I don’t have her as a friend but attention.. Little ole miss Mary the Virgin is always talking about what she deserves from a man. How she isn’t taking no shit from a man all the she isn’t gonna do this or that from a man. The girl has her list of all the things she expects in a man and she isn’t gonna marry anything less. And to that we say awesome right? Yes and No! because the key word in her mind must be MARRY. Because she sleeps with every guy she meets and usually the first time they go out. So the point of the list is…..Please someone let me know!!

Well I’m sure there are a few that I left out so girls feel free to let me know who they are.

I’m definitely gonna do a list for guys too. Yeah I know the dudes you love to hate as well!!

He is Not “Troy Davis”

I was aware of the controversy about Troy Davis case over the past few weeks. I still admit that I don’t really know all the details surrounding the case. I know what I have read in the last few days. I formed my opinion based on articles and the commentary of those in news markets. I feel uneasy arguing about guilt or innocence of a man based on those things.

As far as putting a man to Death based on recanted testimony, of course I believe that it is not a practice that America should undertake. But that’s just it. It has been the practice. Reading the opinions of others forced me to examine my own thoughts . Am I outraged over the Troy Davis case? No. Am I afraid? No. I don’t think that is the appropriate word to describe my feelings. The Troy Davis case did not make me “scared” of the American justice system and all its flaws.

I was born and raised in Bamberg, South Carolina. Racism and disparity has permeated all of my senses at some point. My parents raised me to be ever “aware” of injustice but not afraid.. To be afraid means to fear and I fear no Evil.

Am I disheartened, yes, but not because I feel the inner workings of the case led to a grave injustice. This isn’t the first time an innocent man has been put to death. If this situation is about anything it is about the callousness of humanity. The “Justice System” is simply a name given to a process that is carried out by HUMAN BEINGS, who themselves are flawed. That inherently makes the system itself flawed as well.

http://www.amnesty.org/en/death-penalty/death-sentences-and-executions-in-2009/americas

In 2009 52 Americans were executed using the Death Penalty, 24 of those executions were in Texas. According to Amnesty International the trends point towards a possible end to the Death penalty in America. There were many who said they oppose the Death Penalty, what did u think of the “white man put to death for killing a Black Man in Texas” was his life also worth sparing? That opposition must stand regardless or race or guilt..

I am not afraid I am aware. I feel a stillness surrounded by a hurricane of questions.

As the parent of an adolescent son I begin to question myself on his upbringing. As a black mother I begin to think of all the black mothers that have fought ” tooth & nail” to keep their sons from being in the same position as Troy Davis. Because we believe that life in America is Chess and positioning is everything. i.e. “Guilty by association” “Birds of a feather flock together” all the things I always heard growing up. You never wanted to give ppl a reason to think that you were guilty.

The South taught me early that laws like life can be very unfair. Is that a concession to saying we should accept it? No, it is not. It means that as parents, families, & individuals we must work harder to make our young men understand that they do not want to be the next Troy Davis!! I am all for Championing a cause but we must make the charge clear. Expecting change of the American Justice System is a lost undertaking if we as a people are not FIRST willing to DEMAND change of ourselves.

Its been decades since the Civil War and the War on drugs and while the disparity in Prisons continue to mount we continue to fail ourselves as a people. By overwhelmingly playing right into the hands of a justice system that is doing exactly what it was designed to do. It is a meat grinder for the undesirables of society. A filter orchestrated by certain people some appointed and some elected. And if we know anything about government and how little Blacks are involved, at what point could we have “truly” believed that this system was designed with your protection in mind? Well that’s just playing devils advocate a little. But think about it.

As far as the “Death Penalty” and being afraid, I have more fear in my heart for the thought process of some people in this country than anything else. I am not afraid of those people who would use pen and paper to create injustice in an effort to kill those of another race.  The unjust judicial system can easily be blamed on racism its goal is one that can be assumed.

“Forgive them Father for they know not what they do”.

 I have more emotion for those who are so confused by life that they kill those who look just like them. Thousands of black men have lost their lives on the streets not after years of paperwork. That injustice knows no reason.

While African Americans comprise 13.5% of the U.S. Population, 43% of all murder victims in 2007 were African American, 93.1% of whom were killed were African Americans.

It disturbs me that as a people our men seem to continually be involved in this game of Russian Roulette with the justice system. From one petty crime to numerous felonies to violent murder, young men spending most of their lives in and out of prisons.

I am not afraid of the justice system. My greatest fear is failing to make my own son and daughter aware of “Troy Davis”. I don’t want to feel the pain of crying because one of my kids got caught up in the system. Praying & hoping that “blind Justice” is served for them all the while knowing that her track record is sketchy.

I am not afraid of the guillotine known as the flawed American justice system. I do however believe in right and wrong and have no desire for my family to be on the wrong side of the law. I am afraid of those who brazenly place their necks in it time after time despite their conviction of its inaccuracy.

*not intended to offend but to provoke thoughts beyond that one man. If you believe that it can happen to anyone, then you should work to see that it happens to no one..*

I have a son and it is my charge that “He will not be Troy Davis”

Beyond the Mediocrity..

This blog was inspired by a Goldie Taylor Q&A session on twitter.  @goldietaylor posed several good questions but there were a few that really peaked my interest. Are we sending the right message to our children when studies show that 50% of Black children grow up without a father? The other questions was are we raising our sons to be good partners?

The statistics are staggering. According to Pew Research Center, The Decline of Marriage and the Rise of Families http://pewresearch.org/pubs/1802/decline-marriage-rise-new-families. Among black women giving birth in 2008 72% were unmarried. Most children are born into a single parent household because it is so widely accepted and prevalent yet most of the conversation they will hear will be about the struggle of being a single parent. How many sacrifices are made. How much the absent parent(typically the father) should do but doesn’t. While many conversations are negative so many others are suppressed.

Most people believe it is best that the good mother ignore the issue. If the mother is a hardworking and concerned with her children’s emotional wellbeing then she will not discuss the absent parent and the effect she may believe it has on their upbringing. She just works hard to ensure that her children have a good life and tries to shield her children from anything that may be hurtful.

Despite the differences in the mothers too many fathers are still absent from the home. Can they still be active in the child’s life, yes. But it is a choice and many men choose to hide behind a cloak of excuses. “the mother is too negative” , she expects to much money, they don’t need me, etc. These sort of excuses fuel the fire of either mother. The negative mom will complain louder and the good mom will usually do more to suppress the conversation as if that parent doesn’t exist. Either behavior can be very unhealthy for the children.

And in the meantime what are we teaching our children? What message are we sending our sons and daughters? It seems that the standards and expectations are lower by default. Our daughters will watch us and either learn to be strong, go to college, and plan for a career or they will learn to think men are to be used for money because surely you will never find one that you can marry. Like the song “I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T , she doesn’t need a man she can work hard for her own money. But is that the only reason to have a man in your life? What about partnership, companionship, and building a family? It seems we taught our daughters to abandon those values for money and independence.

Our sons as they mature will hear the negativity. Black men are all in jail, on the down low, or deadbeat fathers. It’s not true of all black men but it has become the bricks that the bar of black male expectations rest on. All a black boy has to do is not be those things and “GET A JOB”!! Then he has arrived. What about being in a relationship, hopes, dreams, career aspirations, marriage. Are those points mute with our sons because their chances are slim? Why should they focus only on job not jail? Is that all we believe their lives will become a balancing act between the barbed wire fence of prison and freedom?

We must talk to our children about life. About the mistakes that we have made and missed opportunities. A real parent uses experience as a guide and understands that our life must be used as a teaching tool for our children. Even if we aren’t married we need to  discuss with our children what a healthy relationship is about.

We must ASPIRE to do more than “Make It” or “Get By”and INSPIRE our children to do the same. This is life not and episode of good times. Just as being a “FATHER” is more than the paying child support, being a “MOTHER” must be more than providing food and shelter until you turn 18. The standards must be higher.

If you act like a Chicken don’t expect to raise Eagles (trust me it makes sense)

The Un-Natural Divide

Well here goes.. I hate to do it but I must. I am so OVERIT.COM with the Natural Hair debate.

I get it, I understand, I have heard all the reasons to go “natural”, to never chemically alter the strands on my pretty little head ever again for as long as I live and yet to that I say “Awesome but , if I want to I will.” Simple and plain, no explosions of fireworks, no knock down drag out fights.

There has been much ado over natural vs chemically relaxed/permed hair in the black community. Now there is apparently a “sorority called Pi Nappa Kappa founded by Leola Anifowoshe. Nappa isn’t even Greek and of course it’s not in the same class as the Big Eight but there are some that argue Pi Nappa Kappa is every bit as much of a sorority as any other. As a member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Incorporated, I for one disagree. The experience of being a part of a Black Greek Letter Organization is about much more than just a visual physical attribute such as hair.

All that aside I truly feel that this has gone from a way for women to embrace their natural hair and not feel pressured to conform to just another reason to be divided. Black women have taken a decision about how to style their hair and turned it into a battle of the strands. I understand that for some the decision to “go natural” is born out of a sense of personal awareness. Some women feel that it’s a part of embracing their roots, history, and ancestry. Others have chosen natural hair because they believe it is healthier for their hair. But there are some women who feel that “being natural” in some way means that women who chose to have a perm, relaxer, or a weave are less “Black” than those who wear their natural hair.

Does wearing natural hair come with a pedestal? I think not!!

Natural hair isn’t easy!! I have tried it and personally it’s not something that I want to commit to. It requires more maintenance, and if not properly managed can be more damaged than relaxed hair. But at the end of the day it’s just that “HAIR”! Yea I said it!! How you style it doesn’t determine your place in this world or the next. Its like when people argue whats better light or dark skin. It is just ridiculous. We are still all women and don’t we already have enough nonsense surrounding us everyday? Why are we adding to our headaches.

Natural or relaxed if you look a hot mess, you look a hot mess. Period. Do what you feel becomes you!!!! God created us all as wonderfully beautiful individuals. No need to fight over whose hair curly and whose hair is straight. If its beneficial by all means inform the next woman of her options but don’t make her feel small and insignificant for not choosing your path.

As India Arie sang ” I am NOT my hair!!!!”

The Obsession with “BLACK” PT 1

A few days ago I came home and opened my laptop and before I can click the mouse there it was on my homepage. Staring me in the face on Time.com “Is Marriage for White People?”

http://healthland.time.com/2011/08/31/is-marriage-for-white-people/

The article discusses some questions with the book’s author, Ralph Richard Banks. I for one think that this whole obsession with “the black woman” is unnerving. Am I the only one that feels like we are being stalked? Enough is enough already!!! Let the BLACK WOMAN BREATHE!!!

Almost everyday there is a constant barrage of black woman propaganda being strategically spread: the black woman is too smart for the black man, the black woman is too strong, the black woman is too stubborn, the black woman is overweight, and so on and so forth. Every time something happens in the news it is immediately compared to or viewed through the scope of “WWBWD”. What would a black woman do? Couple that with shows like BBW and The Real Housewives of Atlanta or Single Ladies, and people begin to view black women as “Ghetto” or “Bou-ghetto”. Those two terms while widely used do not describe every single black woman.

Now Ralph Banks has written a book “Is Marriage for White People”. The book basically says that black women tends to marry below her class and this creates issues in marriages. He believes that if black women married within their class and outside of their race that there wouldn’t be so many single black women. Banks also states that “Steve Harvey, Hill Harper, and Tyler Perry are promoting a notion that black women who are successful yet still single are victims of their own elitism and snobbery.” Banks disagrees with this idea and believes that Class is a better deciding factor of success in a relationship than Race. That the message to single black women should be marry “OUT” not “DOWN”.

Part of the issue with Banks idea is that most researchers say that non-black men are not interested in Black women are the most universally “unattractive” to other races. (as if sisters really need someone to tell us we look good” Chile Please!! The flip side to this is that black women typically overlook men of other races, we don’t even pick up on the signals because they aren’t on our radar. Do black women date with racial blinders on blocking out all other races when black men often date and marry women of other races?

Is the single black female conundrum on of our own making? I for one am not truly sure what the issue is with black families. or why 70% of black children are born to unwed mothers(more stats to come later). What I do know is that this constant examination of sorts seems very unhealthy. Its become a “what is the black woman/black man doing wrong” conversation. There isn’t a whats going on with white marriage topic on CNN or Dateline constantly.

The consistent examination of the topic itself further magnifies an issue and creates a negative atmosphere of “finger – pointing” that leads people to choose between just two conclusions:

A. the fault is on black women for expecting too much

B. the fault is on black men for not being able to measure up

My guess is that the real answer is neither one. What do you believe?

Beyonce’s Baby Bump Saves Free World

Beyonce's baby bump @ VMAs

So I was just reading my daily paper (Twitter) and a tweet comes through from the Huffington Post that reads: @HuffingtonPost: Beyonce’s big news smashes Twitter record huff.to/qTL2FL.  Now I totally get that Bey and Jay are like the King and Queen of the Royal World of Music but does that warrant breaking a twitter record? Apparently the Soldiers of Twitter-Verse think so…

Twitter’s official global PR feed, @TwitterComms, confirmed on Monday that Beyonce’s announcement set off a tweeting frenzy that saw 8,868 tweets per second at 10:35 p.m. on Sunday. That’s the most tweets per second (TPS) ever recorded for a a single event.

Now anybody that knows me knows that I loves me some Beyonce, I really do, but seriously people we must get our priorities together. The record before last night was for the US vs. Japan Women’s Soccer game. WTH? Is America that obsessed with sports and entertainment? What about all of our socio-economic issues?This country is literally falling apart fighting over Health Care, deficit spending, public education, crazy politicians, natural disasters, Global Warming, wars, Social Security, the “Black Agenda” (definitely to be blogged about later), unemployment rates, crime and scores of other issues. But the top priority goes to Beyonce’s unborn Baby?? A kid that has two filthy rich parents? lol Thats the one everyone will pay attention to. But the biggest question is why? It seems to me that the answer is simple. “APATHY”.

When President Obama was campaigning it seemed that everyone was filled with such hope. There was a spirit of unity that made ppl want to hold hands and sing KUM Ba YAH under a banner that read “YES WE CAN”!! How is it possible that a flame that appeared to burn so passionately is now nothing more than a distant memory surrounded by daily barrages of regret and insults to the same man people once found so inspirational? That hope and social awareness has been replaced by apathy and entertainment.

Is America destined to become just like the movie “Idiocracy”? A country filled with people who’s love for entertainment outweighs their concern for their fellow man. A land where Monday Night Football and Music Awards garner more attention than principles, economics, and politics. I realize that in times of great stress we all need a break. Entertainment from all the round tables and debates but people really need to understand the gravity of the issues that face this country,they will not be solved by Peyton Manning, Watching the Throne, or Richie Rich Carter.. WAAAAAAKEEEEEEE UPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!

Death to Ballin’

A few weeks ago on twitter I happened upon a tweet from @frugalista, Natalie P. McNeal.  She was tweeting some jazz about saving money and the recession and all this financially conscious Suze Orman type news that we are constantly bombarded with. But then I read it. Why you ask? Because I too have become aware of the recession. Thats right!! The media has won yet another point in their quest to saturate the minds of all Ballin A** Americans.

Now I’m definitely not rich but the past few years I was becoming quite the “Fly by the seat of my pants spender“. I used to tell store clerks, ” It’s a recession I spend cash”.  But those days are over and now im painfully aware of the need to pack away my ballin’ a** mentality, in my ballin’ a** mental suitcase until baller days return, because right now days are more like by the hair of our chinny chin chins.  Im talking potted meat and Diet Rite and not because “Irene” is coming.. LOL Really ppl its the end of days Gold Herringbones are worth $ again!!

So as I contemplate becoming a penny-pinching, coupon-carrying member of the Frugalista Club, I decide that I would do a little research. I read up on Dave Ramsey’s FPU(thanks to Edwina Johnson), bought “The Frugalista Files” and after a few pages decided that I too want to become a “Reformed Baller”.

The number 1 question: Did I have the discipline to stop shopping just because I could shop?  The answer was yes. And as I read I realized that I wasnt the only woman destined to become a DEBT FREE DIVA. Its a movement! How did they start without me?? Not sure but I’m definitely on board.

And as I sit around now with all the free time I have since I have retired from ”Singlehandedly trying to stimulate the economy” I realize that there sort of is enough time in the day ! I mean Who Knew :-)

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